A Path that Shines

Let's change up the pace and just do something different, shall we? So, today's my day of rest, otherwise known as Sabbath. No Beta, no reading fanfics, no writing, just... rest. It's nice. I don't have to worry about how much I have to do, or how people are waiting on me to do it, just... resting. We didn't go to church today, so I slept, like, ten hours. I woke up once to feed my cat, and once to eat breakfast (BEEF CHORIZO, BETCHES!). Then, I finally got up and finished Book of Matthew. =w= All in all, a great Sabbath day.

Now... now I just want to clear out the gutter of my mind. All the debris that's been collecting in there is starting to make me go insane. I've been getting edgy and defensive and angry so easily. MY ROADRAGE IS OVER 9000, LIKE, SERIOUSLY, THE AMOUNT OF CUSSING I DO AT TRAFFIC. And I drive, like, five minutes to work, and five minutes back home. Wow. And then there was that night... where I suddenly broke down into depression over NOTHING. Like, I was chillaxing on skype, got a little hungry, grabbed some cornflakes, and started crying over my bowl and felt like vomiting for the rest of the night. W.T.F. I have no idea. Thanks to Kit, Iki, and Matt for being awesome. ;w; And Kit, especially, for texting with me until I said I felt better.

Since today's my day of rest, it's time to rest my MIND and get a load off, I guess.

This moving to Korea thing is getting REALZ. Like, I have my contract, I signed it, and then emailed it back. I'll be getting my documents back with my visa issuance number within a week. A week. And then... my visa a week later. And then Korea. Korea. Mothereffin' KOREA. And it's so exciting! I can't wait! I can't wait to DO SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE! So, no, I'm not stressing about moving across the world. I was more stressed about the paperwork, but now that I have my contract, I'm good. No, what's really been eating me is my family.

They don't want me to go. Well, the family I uprooted myself from GA, from my house that was in my name, from my job where I could have been promoted and had coworkers I loved, from the huge amount of RL cuddle-able friends, from my entire life, just so I could spend some time with them- that family doesn't want me to go. And it's the love, I know. They don't want me to go cuz they're worried, because they love me, because it's KOREA and it'll be almost impossible for them to come and see me, because they want me to stay to work in the motorcycle ministry with them, to go to church with them, and be nearby because that's what they think family should do. That's sweet. That's understandable, and really, it's rather tempting. I've never had a functional family and I like the fact that they're TRYING.

But then there's the rest. It's not just that they're unhappy, they're downright disapproving of times. My stepmom is CONSTANTLY raining on my parade, so to speak, and excuses herself by "being realistic, do you know what you're getting yourself into" which is fine and dandy if it weren't for the fact that when I got my contract, she had NO REACTION. She wasn't even glad for me, there wasn't even a congratulations. When I started reading it, she got confused on one point, and it was a good point, but then never finished the going over the contract with me, doesn't even seem INTERESTED in the rest of it, because she automatically feels she's right in her disapproval because she found a "snag" I couldn't explain because I DIDN'T WRITE THE BLOODY THING AND IT MIGHT JUST BE A TRANSLATION ERROR, DAMN IT. My dad doesn't even talk about it. Instead, he just rails on me for all the stupid crap I do in their house. My sleeping habits, my eating habits, the amount of bloody MILK I drink, how much of my money THAT I EARN I spend and on what. =.=

They also constantly "politely bitch" about the time I spend on the computer. I'm not just surfing the web for porn and lulz, here, people! I have FRIENDS- HONEST TO GOD FRIENDS. Damn it, one of them stayed up until 5 am in the morning just to keep me sane. Okay, so Kit normally stays awake that late, but she spent those hours texting me! You know, I COULDN'T CALL ANYONE ELSE! I was in a tiny ball of pathetic weeping over NOTHING- I WAS JUST DEPRESSED AND HAVING A PANIC ATTACK AND I SAT THERE WISHING I COULD CALL ANYONE, JUST, ANYONE and Kit was really the ONLY ONE I could have talked to- because she was awake, I had her number, and she offered. Online friend or not, she's a pretty fucking awesome friend. And they say things like "You didn't even give this place a chance. You could've made friends if you had TRIED." Hell, even my skype friends told me I should!

But I did try. I'm naturally shy (no seriously, in RL, even online, I can be pretty shy and awkward), so it's initially hard for me. But after the "initial part", I just sorta fall in with people. I actually make friends REAL EASILY. I'm a happy, cheerful, wacky person who gets along with EVERYONE. I'm very hard to offend and while I can be a stupid derp at times, I have to REALLY TRY to offend anyone. I'm a total "kiss arse", too, as one girl put it. And I totally fail at confrontations, if anyone argues with me, I'll automatically assume they're right subconsciously, even if I KNOW I'm right. I also don't hold people up to any judgment I may have made mentally, I let those people be who they are and I respect them for it and I give them the benefit of the doubt. I'm not perfect, I do pass judgments on people based on appearance without even meaning to, but I do my very best to push those thoughts to the side and let my opinion be swayed by the PERSON. So. All in all, I'm a friendly, easy-going person.

But I couldn't make friends. I made friendly acquaintances with a few people, people who if I see them, we smile and genuinely are pleased with the chance meeting. I even had a boyfriend for a short time. But I could not make lasting, committed friendships with anyone. Not even that boyfriend was a relationship that lasted very long or got very deep. There was something about being HERE at THIS TIME that just wasn't right. I never wanted to stay here for an extended time. I was actually supposed to have left back in MARCH for China, but the job fell through. I never felt genuinely attached to this place. Maybe one day I'll come back and this is where I'll be. I love my church and my family, and my grandparents, my dad, my mom, AND my little brother all went (is going) to the school that's attached to my church. It would be nice, if I did have kids, to have them go to school there for the tradition, you know. But right now- it. doesn't. fit. And I'm sick of them trying to convince me to make it fit! I DON'T WANT TO STAY HERE! I WANT MY OWN LIFE! THEY SHOULD BE PROUD OF ME! In the past three generations of my immediate family, there's been about a HANDFUL of people who actually went to college, and less than that went to a university, myself in that smaller number. Maybe it makes me "prideful," but I feel like I should DO SOMETHING WITH THIS! I want to do something different! I want to have an adventure, I want to keep learning! I want to look back on my life when I'm an old woman and think "I'm proud of what I've done and what I've accomplished." I don't need to be rich or famous...

I just don't want to regret anymore than I already do. I don't want to fail MYSELF. I feel like I have these expectations on myself. I was always the "smart one" the "reader" the "black sheep". Then, there's the confusion and pain of my earliest years. I not only need to prove to my adult self that I'm worth something, I need to prove it to that little girl who prayed to God to die because she was just THAT sad. I want her to grow up and think "I'm so glad I didn't die! Look at all I've achieved! Look at all the fun and amazing things I've done and seen and learned! Look at all these people I love, who love me, whose lives I've touched in some way. It was worth it!"

I want my life to be worth it. For her. For me. For EVERYONE. Maybe that makes me selfish, family, but I owe it to that little girl no one heard screaming.

So I'm going to Korea. I'm going ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE! I'm going to make a path that shines.